Sometimes I just want to vent. I want to acknowledge my problems out loud just so I can hear them. It gives a slightly different perspective and allows some of the pent up emotions to come out. Its cathartic. That's why I write this blog. I also have another blog. And that's what I'm venting about today.
I'm a member of this weight-loss website. I track calories and exercise and read articles about health and fitness. Each member has a page and a blog, too. So I blog. I feel free to blog there about things I don't really get into all the time here (i.e. weight and exercise). If I blogged about it here, that's all I would ever talk about. So I break it up. Here is for the random moments in my life that make me cranky and/or thoughtful. There is for my attempts at long-term health.
I blogged there today. I haven't in a while because I'm just embarrassed about how much weight I've put on recently. But I sucked it up and admitted my gains and my hope for more losses in the future. But a BIG part of my gain this time was my depression. I have PTSD, Social Anxiety and Depression. And for 3 years I had been trying to manage them all without chemical aid. This past year, that stopped working. So I tried meds. The first few of which made me gain weight like crazy. It was an awful, hateful time. (Although, I have finally found medication that works).And I spoke about that time, and how I felt in the months afterward, today on my other blog. I talked about how the weight gain actually made the depression worse (thus defeating the purpose of the meds) and how I've just begun to come through the bad times and hope for good ones.
Naturally, my friends and team members (you join teams according to your goals on this site) commented. I expected that. And no one said anything negative. They never do. (I suppose b/c we're all in the same boat). But I was annoyed at the "advice" some people were giving me. Not that advice is bad, I generally like advice. I even listen to it occasionally. But it was nature of the advice that gave me pause.
A few fellow members decided it would be prudent to advise me on how to deal with my depression. These people are not doctors and none out of the 5 that gave this "advice" actually have depression and/or anxiety and/or PTSD. Yet, they went on and on about methods of dealing with things, about how I should just push it to the back of my mind or ignore it or just move on (the classic "get-over-it" advice).
Now look, I have a doctor. I have a therapist. I think if it had been as easy as any of that I would have done it and I wouldn't be depressed anymore. I'm pretty sure that if there was some magic cure for something that, which for me is a debilitating disorder, my therapist or doctor would have told me about it. I'm also sure that, despite my wonderful sanity pills, I will never be able to ignore my problems. As a matter of fact that tends to give me flashbacks where I black out for periods of time and can't remember what I was doing. This is scary s**t! This is a serious thing in my life. At times it has even been life-threatening. So for people who don't know what they're talking about to say "just push through it and it will be fine" is pretty f'n ridiculous. I know they meant well, I appreciate that they commented at all, but it still made me angry. Not really because of what they said or how they said it, but because they felt called to say it the first place.
The impulse to be helpful is one thing. Trying to "cure" someone or "prescribe" them certain actions (or medications or foods) is another. I know there a lot of men, women, and teens on this weight-loss site that have similar problems as I do. I can't imagine how that sort of advice helps them. Can you imagine telling a person considering suicide to "just get over it"? That only works in movies. Could you tell someone dealing with the death of a parent or child to "ignore the negative feelings and push through them to the positive"? Or how about someone with social anxiety, "you know what helps me is to go out for a few drinks with my girlfriends and forget about everything for awhile"? No, those aren't the kinds of things you should say. If you're really hard put on how to be supportive and helpful without being patronizing or detrimental, you should just stick the cliches: "I know its hard, but know that we're here for you." "Is there anything I can do?" "I hope things get better." or even "You'll be in my prayers." That would be both supportive and helpful and elicit good feelings and possibly productive conversation.
Just please, don't give people advice if you're not qualified (either through credentials or experience) to give it. Sometimes people with my kind of problems just need others to acknowledge that we exist, our malady is valid, and that someone out there cares.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Darkness, Light, and Vampire Romance
If you had asked me about 10 years ago whether I was a night person or a day person, I would have said night person. Mostly because the night is seductive. It is a mystery. Its where the vampires live, where fantasy comes alive, where the romance and intrigue happens. I dreamed of love and vampires with souls (I did grow up on Buffy, after all), and a purpose so grand that maybe I just couldn't see it. At the time, I felt like I was waiting for my life to start, but also fervently convinced that nothing would ever happen to me, my life would be boring and uneventful. I was, like most teenagers, SO wrong.
As a matter of fact, my life got too eventful. WAY too eventful. And when it finally, totally and completely broke me down, I had to face a few facts about the dark and the dark side of life.
First off, the night is scary. I don't like the dark. Sure its fun to imagine a semi-reformed Lestat out there waiting just for you, and sure there's mystery and unknown out in the dark. But let's face it, any relationship with a vampire (if they really did exist) is probably going to end up with you dead (and not always in the un-dead sort of way). And mystery? The unknown? Well, there are plenty of things I could have gone my whole life without knowing, so I'm pretty much over that. Romance? Ha! Let me do that again: Ha! Not that Romance is dead, but its just better to be romanced at a sunny picnic than dragged out to the middle of nowhere in the dark to go parking (incidentally this is always the point in movies when the werewolf drags your screaming wanna-be boyfriend out of the car, before coming back to rip you to shreds). So, as nice as it is to fantasize about "seductive darkness" no thank you.
Aside from the obvious reality check, I've also become afraid of the dark. I never was before, but things happen and you change. The dark part of the night is usually filled with night-terrors for me. Bad dreams. Sometimes I refuse to sleep because I don't want to dream. And sometimes I sleep to much because I don't want to think about the bad things that live and attack in the dark. If you asked me today if I was day person or a night person, I would definitely say Day.
And I mean that literally. When the sun is up and shining, I'm okay. I'm awake and productive and generally happy. But as soon as it sets or if the day is dark and rainy, I can pretty much guarantee you that I'm going to have a bad day. I set my clock by the sun. I wake when it rises and I try to be asleep as soon as it falls. Sunlight, daylight is my salvation and I'm not being melodramatic. When the sun is in the sky, I feel vital and alive. In the dark, I suffocate. Someday, I hope to harness the good feelings and be able to survive in the dark again, but that night isn't going to be anytime soon.
However, I still love the fantasies that we, as a culture, weave into the darkness. The monsters, the horror, the romance. (Although, I have strict policy against watching "real" horror movies and tend to stick to the more ironic stuff like 90s Wes Craven fare). But let's face it, what woman in her right mind can't get a little excited about a vampire romance? But I am also consistently driven to write a story where girl and vampire fall in love and then vampire kills girl unrepentantly. Because that's my reality now. The dark isn't seductive anymore, its dangerous and all too real. And when Lestat comes looking for me? Well, I'll be the girl holding the cross and stake.
As a matter of fact, my life got too eventful. WAY too eventful. And when it finally, totally and completely broke me down, I had to face a few facts about the dark and the dark side of life.
First off, the night is scary. I don't like the dark. Sure its fun to imagine a semi-reformed Lestat out there waiting just for you, and sure there's mystery and unknown out in the dark. But let's face it, any relationship with a vampire (if they really did exist) is probably going to end up with you dead (and not always in the un-dead sort of way). And mystery? The unknown? Well, there are plenty of things I could have gone my whole life without knowing, so I'm pretty much over that. Romance? Ha! Let me do that again: Ha! Not that Romance is dead, but its just better to be romanced at a sunny picnic than dragged out to the middle of nowhere in the dark to go parking (incidentally this is always the point in movies when the werewolf drags your screaming wanna-be boyfriend out of the car, before coming back to rip you to shreds). So, as nice as it is to fantasize about "seductive darkness" no thank you.
Aside from the obvious reality check, I've also become afraid of the dark. I never was before, but things happen and you change. The dark part of the night is usually filled with night-terrors for me. Bad dreams. Sometimes I refuse to sleep because I don't want to dream. And sometimes I sleep to much because I don't want to think about the bad things that live and attack in the dark. If you asked me today if I was day person or a night person, I would definitely say Day.
And I mean that literally. When the sun is up and shining, I'm okay. I'm awake and productive and generally happy. But as soon as it sets or if the day is dark and rainy, I can pretty much guarantee you that I'm going to have a bad day. I set my clock by the sun. I wake when it rises and I try to be asleep as soon as it falls. Sunlight, daylight is my salvation and I'm not being melodramatic. When the sun is in the sky, I feel vital and alive. In the dark, I suffocate. Someday, I hope to harness the good feelings and be able to survive in the dark again, but that night isn't going to be anytime soon.
However, I still love the fantasies that we, as a culture, weave into the darkness. The monsters, the horror, the romance. (Although, I have strict policy against watching "real" horror movies and tend to stick to the more ironic stuff like 90s Wes Craven fare). But let's face it, what woman in her right mind can't get a little excited about a vampire romance? But I am also consistently driven to write a story where girl and vampire fall in love and then vampire kills girl unrepentantly. Because that's my reality now. The dark isn't seductive anymore, its dangerous and all too real. And when Lestat comes looking for me? Well, I'll be the girl holding the cross and stake.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
How Fat Feels
An actress that I really like recently got on twitter. I was excited to hear her thoughts and listen to her opinions, so naturally, I immediately began following her. Imagine my surprise when all she tweeted about was how disgusting we are as a country because we've got so many fat people! Constantly her posts and tweets revolved around how we (I count myself in this because I am a fat person) are too lazy to exercise and too undisciplined to eat right! She, with her skinny, personal trainer/personal chef induced figure, was daring to criticize the American public for something that she obviously knew nothing about! It was ridiculous and I finally had to quit following her because her comments were so rude and unkind. I'm pretty sure someone griping about fat people is not the best influence on anyone's life, especially mine. Needless to say, I now have mixed feelings about her as an actress.
However, I began to wonder how others see us (the overweight). Do they really think we don't care? Do they really think its our fault that we're fat? Do they really think we're just lazy? Do they really think its as easy as eating less and exercising more? Apparently so.
Well, allow me to set the record straight because this pisses me off! Of course we care!! No one wants to be fat!! It is awful having to shop in plus sizes, and being forced to pay more, I might add. Its not fun to not be able to fit into anything. It hurts when others call you fat or you always have to sit in the booth at restaurants. It hurts when you can't keep up with your kids or always fall behind during walks or hikes. Its embarrassing! Its awful to feel fat, and let me tell you: it does nothing for our self-esteem. Especially when it comes to social situations or (worst scenario) dating! Being fat sucks! We care a lot about our appearance, probably too much, because a fat person's life is wrapped around the way we look in the most negative way possible.
Is it our fault? In some ways, yes. In some ways, no. For me personally, no its not my fault. I didn't get fat on my own. I didn't even get fat by choice. I am a child of divorce (this is not a sob-story plea, just listen). This means that I was shuffled between three households: My mother's, my father's, and my grandparent's (when my parents were working). There was not always time to have a proper dinner. My brother's and I were given fast food a lot, and I mean a lot. When I think of family dinners, its usually pizza or McDonald's that I remember. Another drawback, we ate in front of the tv almost all the time. It sucked (What I would have given for a healthy sit down meal with my family!). Its no wonder I was already considered obese in the 5th grade.
Lazy?! I think not! I tried lots of things to loose weight: I signed up for dance, I took up basketball, and I even took an aerobics course for my P.E. in high school. The Dancing ended in heartbreak after being relegated to the back chorus for being "big-boned" one time too many. Basketball was awful; I started having panic attacks because of the pressure to win (junior league sports are way to serious for kids, if you ask me). The aerobics I loved and I also took up Yoga and began dieting. Of course as soon as I stopped I gained everything back almost immediately. So I started again with something new: The South Beach Diet and Tae Bo, A Curves membership and Atkins, etc., etc. The roller coaster began. Most fat people are familiar with this ride, and let me tell you: it ain't fun. But we're not lazy. We try. We just fail a lot and then get discouraged.
And another point about this "lazy" thing. There are just some things the overweight can't do. Case in point: Running. Running is amazing. I love to run and its so good for my body, but after starting a running program and doing it for about three months I was hit with horrible knee pain. Apparently my thigh muscles aren't developed enough for running, so they don't hold my kneecap in place like they're supposed to, which makes me prone to what's called "jumper's knee" or "runner's knee." I wasn't allowed to exercise for a few months until it healed and cannot run without serious strength training for months before hand (and every time I stop I have to do the strength stuff before starting again). Another case: yoga. What was once a favorite discipline is now a bane. Why? My boobs are too big. I'm not kidding. There are way too many poses where one has to turn to the side or hold the chest up and I'm too heavy in that area or I have to squash my chest so much that I can't breathe (defeating the purpose of the exercise). And no, a good sports bra doesn't help (if there is such a thing for a DDD).
And who said it was easy?! I lost a hundred pounds in two years recently (go me!), but then my depression and anxiety got the better of me and I finally had to be put on medication. I started gaining weight right away. I hadn't changed anything, ate the same, exercised six days a week, but I gained anyway. Exercised more, ate even less, became absolutely miserable and constantly hungry and still gained 45lbs. Now I'm finally on a medication that doesn't make me gain weight and I'm trying to loose all of that, plus what I wanted to loose originally. All in all, about a 100lbs. And its not easy. Some days you do everything right and still there is a gain. Sometimes you loose a lot, sometimes you loose a little. But its a battle that you fight with yourself every time you put food in your mouth. Every step taken is a battle, every minute of exercise. Because your body doesn't want you to, your brain doesn't want you to. Whether you need to or not, that's not the question. Of course we need to, that's easy to say. But can you? Day after day, often without any support at all (I certainly don't have any except from my significant other) can you eat the strawberries instead of the ice cream? Can you do that 30 minute workout instead of going to the movies? Not always.
So are we disgusting, lazy Americans because we're fat? NO WE ARE NOT! We are not disgusting, we are people just like the size 0s. We are not lazy, it takes us more effort and determination to do everyday things than it does someone who's been a runner or basketball player all their life. When you add exercise to that daily to-do list, call me Wonder Woman damn-it because I bet you couldn't do it if you had my body. Re-programing lifetime eating habits and fighting drugs that are essential for your health? I don't think you could do it, Ms. Fit and Slender Actress, I don't think you could do it at all.
Someone may be fat, but they are just as valuable a human being as anyone else on this planet, and deserve to be treated as such.
However, I began to wonder how others see us (the overweight). Do they really think we don't care? Do they really think its our fault that we're fat? Do they really think we're just lazy? Do they really think its as easy as eating less and exercising more? Apparently so.
Well, allow me to set the record straight because this pisses me off! Of course we care!! No one wants to be fat!! It is awful having to shop in plus sizes, and being forced to pay more, I might add. Its not fun to not be able to fit into anything. It hurts when others call you fat or you always have to sit in the booth at restaurants. It hurts when you can't keep up with your kids or always fall behind during walks or hikes. Its embarrassing! Its awful to feel fat, and let me tell you: it does nothing for our self-esteem. Especially when it comes to social situations or (worst scenario) dating! Being fat sucks! We care a lot about our appearance, probably too much, because a fat person's life is wrapped around the way we look in the most negative way possible.
Is it our fault? In some ways, yes. In some ways, no. For me personally, no its not my fault. I didn't get fat on my own. I didn't even get fat by choice. I am a child of divorce (this is not a sob-story plea, just listen). This means that I was shuffled between three households: My mother's, my father's, and my grandparent's (when my parents were working). There was not always time to have a proper dinner. My brother's and I were given fast food a lot, and I mean a lot. When I think of family dinners, its usually pizza or McDonald's that I remember. Another drawback, we ate in front of the tv almost all the time. It sucked (What I would have given for a healthy sit down meal with my family!). Its no wonder I was already considered obese in the 5th grade.
Lazy?! I think not! I tried lots of things to loose weight: I signed up for dance, I took up basketball, and I even took an aerobics course for my P.E. in high school. The Dancing ended in heartbreak after being relegated to the back chorus for being "big-boned" one time too many. Basketball was awful; I started having panic attacks because of the pressure to win (junior league sports are way to serious for kids, if you ask me). The aerobics I loved and I also took up Yoga and began dieting. Of course as soon as I stopped I gained everything back almost immediately. So I started again with something new: The South Beach Diet and Tae Bo, A Curves membership and Atkins, etc., etc. The roller coaster began. Most fat people are familiar with this ride, and let me tell you: it ain't fun. But we're not lazy. We try. We just fail a lot and then get discouraged.
And another point about this "lazy" thing. There are just some things the overweight can't do. Case in point: Running. Running is amazing. I love to run and its so good for my body, but after starting a running program and doing it for about three months I was hit with horrible knee pain. Apparently my thigh muscles aren't developed enough for running, so they don't hold my kneecap in place like they're supposed to, which makes me prone to what's called "jumper's knee" or "runner's knee." I wasn't allowed to exercise for a few months until it healed and cannot run without serious strength training for months before hand (and every time I stop I have to do the strength stuff before starting again). Another case: yoga. What was once a favorite discipline is now a bane. Why? My boobs are too big. I'm not kidding. There are way too many poses where one has to turn to the side or hold the chest up and I'm too heavy in that area or I have to squash my chest so much that I can't breathe (defeating the purpose of the exercise). And no, a good sports bra doesn't help (if there is such a thing for a DDD).
And who said it was easy?! I lost a hundred pounds in two years recently (go me!), but then my depression and anxiety got the better of me and I finally had to be put on medication. I started gaining weight right away. I hadn't changed anything, ate the same, exercised six days a week, but I gained anyway. Exercised more, ate even less, became absolutely miserable and constantly hungry and still gained 45lbs. Now I'm finally on a medication that doesn't make me gain weight and I'm trying to loose all of that, plus what I wanted to loose originally. All in all, about a 100lbs. And its not easy. Some days you do everything right and still there is a gain. Sometimes you loose a lot, sometimes you loose a little. But its a battle that you fight with yourself every time you put food in your mouth. Every step taken is a battle, every minute of exercise. Because your body doesn't want you to, your brain doesn't want you to. Whether you need to or not, that's not the question. Of course we need to, that's easy to say. But can you? Day after day, often without any support at all (I certainly don't have any except from my significant other) can you eat the strawberries instead of the ice cream? Can you do that 30 minute workout instead of going to the movies? Not always.
So are we disgusting, lazy Americans because we're fat? NO WE ARE NOT! We are not disgusting, we are people just like the size 0s. We are not lazy, it takes us more effort and determination to do everyday things than it does someone who's been a runner or basketball player all their life. When you add exercise to that daily to-do list, call me Wonder Woman damn-it because I bet you couldn't do it if you had my body. Re-programing lifetime eating habits and fighting drugs that are essential for your health? I don't think you could do it, Ms. Fit and Slender Actress, I don't think you could do it at all.
Someone may be fat, but they are just as valuable a human being as anyone else on this planet, and deserve to be treated as such.
Weight and Waiting and Weddings
The other day my Dad asked me why I haven't gotten married yet. Tough question. It's not as if Josh (my significant other) hasn't asked me or we don't talk about it. We do. We've pretty decided everything we want in a wedding, honeymoon, etc. But there are a few reasons why neither of us feels compelled to get married anytime soon.
1.) We're young. I just turned 24 and Josh is a year younger than me. Life stretches out before us, and forgive me, but I am not keen on living my day to day as if the world is ending tomorrow so I'd better hurry up and get married and have babies right now. That way leads only to stress and unhappiness. Nothing in haste, thank you very much.
2.) We want to save money. We've always wanted a small, private backyard wedding and reception. Our honeymoon plans consist of renting a tiny beach cottage in one of my favorite places on the Earth. It'll all cost us very little money, but enough so that we want to save for it and not finance everything or use credit. We'd rather not start off a marriage with monetary woes.
3.) The dress. This one is my reason alone and its pretty vane. I don't want to get married 100lbs overweight. I want a long, healthy life and I want to feel pretty when I get married. So, yes, I am partially putting off the big day because I still want to loose weight. If I can't keep my body healthy, how am I going to keep a marriage healthy?
4.) Marriage isn't a wedding. It's a serious commitment to another person for a lifetime. It shouldn't be entered into lightly and should be observed and chosen with the gravitas that it deserves.
Most of my peers don't get this. Heck, most of my family doesn't get it. People are constantly asking, "When are you getting married?" My answer: "Not right now."
"But don't you love each other and want to be together?" they ask. Well now that's just silly! Of course we love each other. We live together, we have cute, fuzzy animals together, we are together! We can't go more than 5 minutes without thinking of each other and if something's wrong in our lives we hug and love to make the hurt go away (if only temporarily). We learn from each other and have fun together. What about this is wrong? According to most of my friends and family, its that we're not married.
But what is marriage? It is a commitment for the rest of your life. (I'm not a big fan of divorce and am certainly not going to get married thinking, "well, hey, if this doesn't work out there's always divorce"). It is a joining of more than people, but also families, finances, and health insurance! Its a level of intimacy and commitment that is not reached any other way. Marriage changes things, in subtle ways and in larger ones.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm afraid of it (although I am a little). It's just a big deal. A huge step in your life and it should be looked at that way. Not just as a party that you get to wear a fancy dress to and then go off someplace to sight-see and have wild jungle sex. Those are just the trappings, the packaging. Underneath all that, you and another person are integrating yourselves fully into each others lives and announcing that to the world. That's big.
You might say, to me anyway, but haven't you already done that? No we haven't. Yes, we live together, yes, we love each other and yes, we are committed to each other. But its not the same thing. Emotionally its not the same thing. And I don't want to make the mistakes that I've seen countless others make. I have at least 10 friends from high school and college that have gotten married in the last 5 years. They are ALL divorced now. My dad has been married 6 times. My mom married once and has been so messed up after having been cheated on, bankrupted, and left with two kids, that she's never let anyone get that close again. I want to be sure of myself, confident in my decision, and cultivate faith in my partner (something I work on all the time).
Marriage is about love, yes. But it is also about faith, trust, and perseverance. Love ebbs and flows, but the rest only gets stronger as time goes by. So I am waiting. Josh is waiting. And when we do get married it will be with surety and confidence and love. And we won't care if it rains or if the cake gets dropped or if the ring gets lost. Because we understand that's just the package. What really matters is what's inside.
1.) We're young. I just turned 24 and Josh is a year younger than me. Life stretches out before us, and forgive me, but I am not keen on living my day to day as if the world is ending tomorrow so I'd better hurry up and get married and have babies right now. That way leads only to stress and unhappiness. Nothing in haste, thank you very much.
2.) We want to save money. We've always wanted a small, private backyard wedding and reception. Our honeymoon plans consist of renting a tiny beach cottage in one of my favorite places on the Earth. It'll all cost us very little money, but enough so that we want to save for it and not finance everything or use credit. We'd rather not start off a marriage with monetary woes.
3.) The dress. This one is my reason alone and its pretty vane. I don't want to get married 100lbs overweight. I want a long, healthy life and I want to feel pretty when I get married. So, yes, I am partially putting off the big day because I still want to loose weight. If I can't keep my body healthy, how am I going to keep a marriage healthy?
4.) Marriage isn't a wedding. It's a serious commitment to another person for a lifetime. It shouldn't be entered into lightly and should be observed and chosen with the gravitas that it deserves.
Most of my peers don't get this. Heck, most of my family doesn't get it. People are constantly asking, "When are you getting married?" My answer: "Not right now."
"But don't you love each other and want to be together?" they ask. Well now that's just silly! Of course we love each other. We live together, we have cute, fuzzy animals together, we are together! We can't go more than 5 minutes without thinking of each other and if something's wrong in our lives we hug and love to make the hurt go away (if only temporarily). We learn from each other and have fun together. What about this is wrong? According to most of my friends and family, its that we're not married.
But what is marriage? It is a commitment for the rest of your life. (I'm not a big fan of divorce and am certainly not going to get married thinking, "well, hey, if this doesn't work out there's always divorce"). It is a joining of more than people, but also families, finances, and health insurance! Its a level of intimacy and commitment that is not reached any other way. Marriage changes things, in subtle ways and in larger ones.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm afraid of it (although I am a little). It's just a big deal. A huge step in your life and it should be looked at that way. Not just as a party that you get to wear a fancy dress to and then go off someplace to sight-see and have wild jungle sex. Those are just the trappings, the packaging. Underneath all that, you and another person are integrating yourselves fully into each others lives and announcing that to the world. That's big.
You might say, to me anyway, but haven't you already done that? No we haven't. Yes, we live together, yes, we love each other and yes, we are committed to each other. But its not the same thing. Emotionally its not the same thing. And I don't want to make the mistakes that I've seen countless others make. I have at least 10 friends from high school and college that have gotten married in the last 5 years. They are ALL divorced now. My dad has been married 6 times. My mom married once and has been so messed up after having been cheated on, bankrupted, and left with two kids, that she's never let anyone get that close again. I want to be sure of myself, confident in my decision, and cultivate faith in my partner (something I work on all the time).
Marriage is about love, yes. But it is also about faith, trust, and perseverance. Love ebbs and flows, but the rest only gets stronger as time goes by. So I am waiting. Josh is waiting. And when we do get married it will be with surety and confidence and love. And we won't care if it rains or if the cake gets dropped or if the ring gets lost. Because we understand that's just the package. What really matters is what's inside.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
When Your Dog Thinks You're Pathetic
Why am I writing a blog? Well . . .
This morning I couldn't sleep. I got up with my Fiance @2:30am. Had a Slimfast for breakfast (yes, I am one of those people constantly trying to loose weight) and proceeded to do one of those wacky exercise DVDs for 30 minutes. As I am lying on the floor, having completed my 30 minutes, panting and slightly dizzy, my dog lays down next to me and shoves her too adorable face in mine and proceeds to lick off my sweat ( I know some of you are thinking "eww gross" and you're obviously not pet-people). I'm lying there, feeling like I'm about to die and I suddenly got to wondering if anyone else in the world was doing the same thing.
Is there anyone else out there that has to endure the demoralizing looks their beloved pets give them as they attempt to mimic the skinny spandex chick on the tv? Does anyone need consolation from pets after these episodes of high activity? (I swear, my dog gives me extra cuddles after I exercise just so she can comfort me in my pathetic non-life affirming state). There must be at least one person out there who runs the gamut of doing debilitating exercise, balancing the budget, trying to grow something green, struggling with self-image, and cooking dinner all in one day! There's got to be other people (most likely female) whose lives are as crazy and random as my own; whose day-to-day existence is an eclectic mix of panic attacks, video games, chocolate sundaes, and the latest trashy romance!
So, if you're asking why I'm writing this blog or wondering why you should continue reading it, my simple answer is this: I'd rather not be pathetic on my own. Mostly, I'd just rather not be pathetic. Here I am, putting myself out there into the universe in search of those tenuous and fickle human connections. This is my way of standing in a field and screaming at the top of my lungs, "Is Anybody Out There?!!" And hoping that a still small voice, preferably in English and without cosmic connotations, says "I am."
What do you do when even your dog thinks you're pathetic? You find a bunch people of who either don't think you're pathetic at all or a bunch of people willing to be pathetic with you.
This morning I couldn't sleep. I got up with my Fiance @2:30am. Had a Slimfast for breakfast (yes, I am one of those people constantly trying to loose weight) and proceeded to do one of those wacky exercise DVDs for 30 minutes. As I am lying on the floor, having completed my 30 minutes, panting and slightly dizzy, my dog lays down next to me and shoves her too adorable face in mine and proceeds to lick off my sweat ( I know some of you are thinking "eww gross" and you're obviously not pet-people). I'm lying there, feeling like I'm about to die and I suddenly got to wondering if anyone else in the world was doing the same thing.
Is there anyone else out there that has to endure the demoralizing looks their beloved pets give them as they attempt to mimic the skinny spandex chick on the tv? Does anyone need consolation from pets after these episodes of high activity? (I swear, my dog gives me extra cuddles after I exercise just so she can comfort me in my pathetic non-life affirming state). There must be at least one person out there who runs the gamut of doing debilitating exercise, balancing the budget, trying to grow something green, struggling with self-image, and cooking dinner all in one day! There's got to be other people (most likely female) whose lives are as crazy and random as my own; whose day-to-day existence is an eclectic mix of panic attacks, video games, chocolate sundaes, and the latest trashy romance!
So, if you're asking why I'm writing this blog or wondering why you should continue reading it, my simple answer is this: I'd rather not be pathetic on my own. Mostly, I'd just rather not be pathetic. Here I am, putting myself out there into the universe in search of those tenuous and fickle human connections. This is my way of standing in a field and screaming at the top of my lungs, "Is Anybody Out There?!!" And hoping that a still small voice, preferably in English and without cosmic connotations, says "I am."
What do you do when even your dog thinks you're pathetic? You find a bunch people of who either don't think you're pathetic at all or a bunch of people willing to be pathetic with you.
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