The other day my Dad asked me why I haven't gotten married yet. Tough question. It's not as if Josh (my significant other) hasn't asked me or we don't talk about it. We do. We've pretty decided everything we want in a wedding, honeymoon, etc. But there are a few reasons why neither of us feels compelled to get married anytime soon.
1.) We're young. I just turned 24 and Josh is a year younger than me. Life stretches out before us, and forgive me, but I am not keen on living my day to day as if the world is ending tomorrow so I'd better hurry up and get married and have babies right now. That way leads only to stress and unhappiness. Nothing in haste, thank you very much.
2.) We want to save money. We've always wanted a small, private backyard wedding and reception. Our honeymoon plans consist of renting a tiny beach cottage in one of my favorite places on the Earth. It'll all cost us very little money, but enough so that we want to save for it and not finance everything or use credit. We'd rather not start off a marriage with monetary woes.
3.) The dress. This one is my reason alone and its pretty vane. I don't want to get married 100lbs overweight. I want a long, healthy life and I want to feel pretty when I get married. So, yes, I am partially putting off the big day because I still want to loose weight. If I can't keep my body healthy, how am I going to keep a marriage healthy?
4.) Marriage isn't a wedding. It's a serious commitment to another person for a lifetime. It shouldn't be entered into lightly and should be observed and chosen with the gravitas that it deserves.
Most of my peers don't get this. Heck, most of my family doesn't get it. People are constantly asking, "When are you getting married?" My answer: "Not right now."
"But don't you love each other and want to be together?" they ask. Well now that's just silly! Of course we love each other. We live together, we have cute, fuzzy animals together, we are together! We can't go more than 5 minutes without thinking of each other and if something's wrong in our lives we hug and love to make the hurt go away (if only temporarily). We learn from each other and have fun together. What about this is wrong? According to most of my friends and family, its that we're not married.
But what is marriage? It is a commitment for the rest of your life. (I'm not a big fan of divorce and am certainly not going to get married thinking, "well, hey, if this doesn't work out there's always divorce"). It is a joining of more than people, but also families, finances, and health insurance! Its a level of intimacy and commitment that is not reached any other way. Marriage changes things, in subtle ways and in larger ones.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm afraid of it (although I am a little). It's just a big deal. A huge step in your life and it should be looked at that way. Not just as a party that you get to wear a fancy dress to and then go off someplace to sight-see and have wild jungle sex. Those are just the trappings, the packaging. Underneath all that, you and another person are integrating yourselves fully into each others lives and announcing that to the world. That's big.
You might say, to me anyway, but haven't you already done that? No we haven't. Yes, we live together, yes, we love each other and yes, we are committed to each other. But its not the same thing. Emotionally its not the same thing. And I don't want to make the mistakes that I've seen countless others make. I have at least 10 friends from high school and college that have gotten married in the last 5 years. They are ALL divorced now. My dad has been married 6 times. My mom married once and has been so messed up after having been cheated on, bankrupted, and left with two kids, that she's never let anyone get that close again. I want to be sure of myself, confident in my decision, and cultivate faith in my partner (something I work on all the time).
Marriage is about love, yes. But it is also about faith, trust, and perseverance. Love ebbs and flows, but the rest only gets stronger as time goes by. So I am waiting. Josh is waiting. And when we do get married it will be with surety and confidence and love. And we won't care if it rains or if the cake gets dropped or if the ring gets lost. Because we understand that's just the package. What really matters is what's inside.
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